Tomorrow morning (11 am) is my sonogram appointment. I am very, very nervous. On an emotional roller coaster, really. It's been a slightly weepy, occasionally down-in-the-dumps, sometimes-hopeful day. Other than making a trip to drop off some laundry, I've stayed close to, or in, my bed. This is definitely one of those days where I'm very thankful that the Shookie can entertain himself for long periods of time (T was also working from home, so he wasn't being neglected, I promise). I even watched this movie (having just finished the book yesterday). It was definitely the low-key kind of day that I needed. I don't think I could have handled being out and about or interacting with people much today.
I don't really know WHAT to think or feel right now. I guess I'm feeling a little bit of everything. Fear. Worry. Hope. Pessimism. Thankfulness. Excitement. Sick. I wish I could take comfort in my "symptoms" -- upset stomach, frequent trips to the bathroom, being SO hungry all the time. But I can't. I know all of this can happen with "just" a blighted ovum.
Still, as I was walking home today, trying to work through the mess in my head and heart, I was reminded of everything I have to be thankful for. No matter what happens tomorrow, the fact that I got pg at all is amazing. My husband ... my sweet, sweet son ... my parents and family ... my friends (on-line and RL)... and most importantly, my relationship with God, which is what gets me through all of this at all. Thinking about all of the things I have been blessed with gave me such a sense of peace. I will be so sad and disappointed if we get bad news tomorrow, of course, but even if this blessing isn't meant to be, I know that I have so much to be thankful for already.
I will of course post something here as soon as I can, either way (probably sometime in the early afternoon). Until then, I hope that you will continue to pray for our family. ~ R