It's amazing how life can lead you in circles at times, isn't it?
Life has been so steady and good and moving forward for quite a few months now. I've been in such a good rhythm personally, finally able to think outside the 4 walls of my home and BRAIN to the life and people around me. I think I have generally been more attentive with the boys, more "in the moment" with them, taking time to look in their eyes and tell them how much I love them. I am so happy to be spending time with friends, both those in our amazing school community and our church. The women in our church are becoming more and more dear to me with every week that goes by. They never cease to amaze me with their incredible compassion for each other and I feel humbled and so thankful to get to spend time with them when I can.
And then WHAMMO! Hormones and nasty anxiety and depression rear their heads, seemingly out of nowhere and threaten to knock me back on my butt again. It's hard to not freak out that I'm going to feel this way every spring, to not connect too deeply back to the tornado of postpartum anxiety I was whirling in at this time last year. It's so hard to not be overwhelmed and suffocated by the emotions that YELL so loudly in one's heart and mind in the middle of it all. In the middle of it all, it is a bleak place to be. It almost feels like an out-of-body experience, it is so different than I how normally feel.
Thankfully, most of the time I am able to hold onto the TRUTH, that I know I am getting better and better, that whatever this is will not last forever, that I need to focus on NOW and TODAY, that I will be given the grace and strength I need for this moment. I have made it through much worse and I will make it through this as well.
It's funny how after a particularly difficult "storm" this morning, I've mostly felt THANKFUL. So thankful for my husband, for my beautiful babies, for my mom and how much she still loves HER baby, for the friends in our lives, for how I know so deeply that God is helping me get through all this, for our home and beautiful City and all that brings with it.
And I am thankful for this space and for all of you. <3