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February 10, 2006

Comments

Brooke

I just had to say something - anything - to let you know that your post was deeply touching. I could feel your awkwardness and embarrassment and grief. I identified with it. Not the situation, because I haven't been through that, but the very human emotions that welled up inside you. Those feelings aren't strangers to me; or to most of us. They are the human-ness that allows us to connect with one another and feel each other's pain whether this is on the internet, at school, in church or on a bus. This is the reason why art touches each one of us - because of the universal truths we all experience at one time or another. And like you said, you can never prepare yourself for which human drama (emotions) will unfold in a given situation. In spite of your disorganizing overwhelm, you held yourself together with composure, dignity and the wisdom to call on your doctor and husband to nurture you when you needed it. Good for you. And, even better, you let all those emotions OUT. Tears are a very good release!

Now I am not an organzied religion person, so I feel humble & a little stupid trying to share a spiritual quote with someone like you who has a defined faith, but this quote (as overused as it might be) has always put light on a very important spiritual distinction for me so I will share it with you - for what it is worth. (Hope I'm not offensive.) The quote is:
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience. To me, this doesn't cross borders of any faith and usually helps me perceive my recent pain/hurt/growth experience from an objective and peaceful place. If my human body is reacting in pain, it's okay, because my spirit - my essence - is in tact.
Take good care of yourself this weekend.

Jenn

Oh Rebekah -- I am just now getting caught up on all of your tests this week. What a week you have had! And I think you can be perfectly OK and not OK with it at the same time -- I think that is a healthy reaction. Healthy that you work your way through your grief. Healthy that you don't bottle it up inside, but at the same time you are not letting it take over you.

It can sometimes take an incident like that to make you realize that you aren't OK with all of the testing. When we were TTCing Sam I had my HSG. The nurse came up to me (after the machine broke and I had to wait spread eagled while they fixed it) and said, "this must be so humiliating for you, my husband just walks past me and I get pregnant." And I was totally fine with the procedure until she said that. Then I though -- should this be humiliating? Then I felt humiliated.

In retrospect I know there is nothing humiliating about that, or bleeding on the floor. It sucks at the time, but it's all in your quest to get answers. I hope the infection is "all" it is and that the anitibiocs clears it up!

Jenn

Sandi P.

Wished I knew the right thing to say to you, Rebekah. But since I feel totally incompetent (THANK GOD) at trying to ease your pain, because I've never had to go through what you are embarking on, I'll tell you that you will be in my prayers, hon.

May God bless!

Holly

Gracious - I can't top what's already been said - I completely echo the statements of everyone else. But I will add a couple things. First, you have been so trusting about this time that God has you not pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to term. It is pretty incredible that you've held it together for so long. There was always this sense of purpose: "we'll get pregnant again... we'll find out why the miscarriage..... we'll take something to prevent miscarriage.... we'll see the RE when the insurance is straight...."

And now that your last foreseeable/knowable step is upon you, everything is happening quickly - 2 tests in one week.... And it becomes a very intimately personal physical problem, rather than a trusting that God will take care of it in His perfect time. And not that the trusting isn't there, but it is clouded by the doctors.

The reality is, that the miracle healing you've been waiting for might need some medical assistance - and God will provide it if it is His will. And I believe it is.

It's hard having your dignity stripped - the most humiliating moment I've had was after the birth of my first daughter and they took the catheter out 9 hours after her birth. The nurse wanted me to go to the bathroom and when I walked into the bathroom, before I got to the toilet, I lost control and wet and bled all over myself, the floor and everything else. I have never had anything make me feel so helpless or horrid - and then I nearly passed out. I tell you this not to say poor me, but to point out that there's always a time that feels so much worse for the person experiencing it than anyone else. I pray your spirit is renewed this weekend and that after church today, you feel raised up and ready to fight some more.

I'm here, ever praying. And sending hugs your way.

Jen H.

Oh Rebekah - I'm so sorry that all happened. And that you are having to go through any of this, for that matter. It sounds like the bleeding scene was the last straw, and caused months worth of emotion to become overwhelming in that moment. What a vulnerable situation to be in, and then for that to happen. Seems a little insensitive on their part to leave you like that with no warning and no chux or anything. Anyway, I am sending hugs and I am thinking of you. I hope the answers come soon and you can get on with growing your family, as you say. The infection possibility offers a glimmer of hope - could it be what's in the way??

Moxie

I'm so sorry, Rebekah.

This post was so vivid and raw. I really wished you had a mother or friend in the room with you.

It would be really nice if all it is is the infection, wouldn't it?

Ninotchka

{{{Rebekah}}} I cried so hard during my HSG. I just felt so damned vulnerable and that was one of the poignant moments during our journey that I simply could not believe that we couldn't get pregnant. Back then our inability to conceive all of those months would hit me in waves. And when I was lying on that table, was one of those times where I just kind of lost it. I know you and I have talked about this before. The testing was by far the hardest time for me. Although it seems odd to admit to that from where I stand now. But back then when I didn't know what the outcome would be, it was really, really rough.

As I've said to you, you have all of my hopes and prayers.

Kate

I'm so sorry, Rebekah. What a crummy day. And like everyone else said- I think the bleeding incident was just the final straw that pushed you over the emotional edge. You've been through so much- of course you're vulnerable and feeling raw (emotionally AND physically!)

Wishing you the best.

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